As the pandemic nears its end and the CDC begins to lift restrictions related to travel, the Washington DC Visitors Bureau has rolled out a new visitor attraction in hopes of promoting tourism to the nation’s Capitol.
“Washington DC experienced a historic low in every metric related to the tourism economy over the course of the pandemic,” said Jason Tanner, CEO of the Capitol’s visitor bureau. “It’s of paramount importance that we use every tool at our disposal to offset those losses in the upcoming months.”
To accomplish this, the visitor’s bureau is unleashing a new marketing campaign—dubbed Insurrection Perfection—inspired by Rep. Andrew S. Clyde’s (R-Ga) recent comments that the Jan. 6 assault on and breach of the US Capitol was just a “normal tourist visit.”
The campaign will target red states, particularly those that are under-educated. “We would include blue states, but you know how those liberals like to ‘cancel’ everything, including something as simple as an attempted coup,” Tanner said.
Insurrection Perfection participants will stay at the Trump International Hotel at the same “discounted” rate offered for Trump’s Inauguration. From there, several different packages are offered at varying price points.
The Presidential (Trump) package is being touted as the apex experience and is priced accordingly. Those that are willing to splurge on the top package will have the opportunity to spread their feces on the Capitol walls, rest their feet on Nancy Pelosi’s desk and bludgeon a Capitol Police Officer over the head.
Participants will also enter a drawing for a chance to accompany Marjorie Taylor Greene, who is unburdened by committee assignments, for an entire day as she stalks AOC around the Capitol grounds.
When asked about the potential criminal exposure participants might face, Tanner responded “there’s an entire major political party in this country perfectly willing to turn a blind eye to this behavior. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.” If that’s changes, he continued, “we can always blame Antifa.”
*Editor’s Note: This story is satire. Kind of.
