The Utah Legislature recently passed its Congressional map, despite public outcry that the map disregards the Redistricting Commission’s recommendation and amounts to gerrymandering in its attempt to ensure Utah’s four congressional seats stay in Republican hands.
Critics allege that by splitting Salt Lake County—a light blue island in a deep red state—into four separate districts, urban and minority voters are marginalized.
Katie Wright, the executive director for Better Boundaries, harshly criticized the Congressional maps. “[the Legislature] should have done the will of the people and listened to the political party with the least amount of votes,” said Wright. “[Republicans] have no right to exercise their constitutional duty they were duly elected to perform,” she continued.
Speaker of the House Brad Wilson, however, said there’s an explanation for why they carved up Utah’s most populous county the way they did. “The only reason we divided Salt Lake County into four congressional districts is because we couldn’t divide it into five,” Speaker Wilson said. “Given our tremendous growth over the last decade, we should have qualified for another congressional seat,” he continued.
Newly-minted House Majority Leader, Mike Schultz, offered a different perspective, declaring “rural Utah deserves adequate representation as well, especially when you consider how much power and influence the federal government exercises over our public lands.”
Rep. Schultz even wondered aloud if “livestock and wildlife should be included” in the population numbers for purposes of determining the amount of congressional seats each state is allocated. When pressed further, Schultz clarified that wouldn’t include endangered species or feral cats. “They are the Democrats of the animal kingdom,” he quipped.
Rep. Brian King, House Minority Leader, took exception to Democrats being likened unto lowly feral cats. “[Schultz] should show us the respect we deserve and acknowledge our true animal mascot—the jackass.”
Steve Christiansen, who recently resigned from the legislature, agrees that Utah should have five Congressional seats, citing the US Census Bureau’s decision not to count missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints living temporarily out-of-state.
Utah sued the US Census Bureau in 2001 for excluding missionaries but the policy was upheld by a federal court of appeals and the Supreme Court affirmed its decision.
Christiansen, however, believes that “Communist China intercepted Utah’s appeal to the Supreme Court and supplanted it with socialist propaganda printed on bamboo.” He is calling immediately for an investigation because nobody has proved that his theory didn’t happen.
“If anything,” Christiansen continued, “each missionary should be counted as two. Just because there may only be one set of footprints in the sand, doesn’t mean they are alone.”
When asked whether he’d veto the Congressional maps the Legislature passed, Governor Cox said, “did you see how many points Donovan Mitchell scored last night?! Golly geez, I sure hope he doesn’t run against me in 2024.”
Author’s note: This article is satire. Redistricting is always an emotionally-charged process. My only hope was to bring a bit of levity to an otherwise tense topic. Special thanks to the subjects in this article for (hopefully) being good sports.
