Suburban Armageddon
Within hours of Biden’s inauguration, Antifa led an assault on America’s suburbs, just as Donald Trump predicted.
Utah’s suburbia was not spared from this militant onslaught. In Draper, the 911 system was inundated with reports of Toyota Priuses flooding the streets, leaving humus stains in their wake.
In Provo, a caravan of cyclists descended upon the local coffee shop.
Bill, who witnessed the invasion, said “these folks ain’t no Americans. They had colors on their skin and were ordering their coffee in a foreign language. It’s pronounced ‘coffee’, not ‘Al Pacino’, or whatever they was sayin’.”
Bill also wondered aloud why anyone would go to a coffee shop with friends and risk getting reported to church authorities. “These people just ain’t right,” he concluded.
There have been no reports of actual violence. However, a woman named Karen claimed an Antifa soldier’s rescue dog did bark at her. “If it wasn’t for the dog leash and the organic vegan dog treats to distract the dog, I have no doubt that dog would have attacked me,” Karen said.
She is telling friends and neighbors to be on the lookout for a maroon Subaru driven by a woman with short, permed hair, who is wearing a Patagonia coat, cargo pants and wool socks to complement her Birkenstock’s.
Most disturbingly, Karen reports, there was a ‘Black Lives Matter’ sticker on the Subaru. “Why would this communist think that just Black Lives Matter? All lives matter. You can’t just single out one group. Also, blue lives matter.”
Reports of the suburban Armageddon trickled in from Southern Utah as well. Joseph, donning a MAGA hat that was made in China, boarded up his windows in preparation for the assault on suburban life.
“You can’t trust these deep-state, Antifa operators who stole the election for that socialist Biden. If they really thought Biden won fair and square, why wouldn’t they be flying huge Biden flags everywhere they could? It’s just weird in a democratic republic to not worship the cult of personality occupying the White House.”
“Biden is going to cancel freedom, guns and God,” Joseph continued. “If we don’t stand up and fight, what’s he gonna cancel next, Covid? Over my dead grandma’s body.”
Editor’s Note: This story is satire. Kind of.
